Nic Marcon's Blog

Five Tips on Dealing With Tantrums in Children

Nic Marcon — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 11:35:44 +0000

Being a good parent is one of the most challenging jobs that we will experience in our lives. Because we don’t get a “manual” when we become parents, we often look back on how we were raised to help us and if it felt okay, then we might use that with our own children. Sometimes it is the total opposite, where what happened to us, we would never want our children to go through. It could be that we get friends or family telling us how to raise our children. Sometimes these recommendations work out, but at other times they can make problems worse. You know, I had a parent ask me “When my 3-year old boy does not get his own way, he has a tantrum, gets angry, yells, screams and hits out at me. He also has started pushing other kids at play group. I want him to be a happy child. How do I stop him from becoming a bully?” Some initial steps you can take: Be a good role model. Ask yourself…What helps me calm down when I get frustrated, stressed or angry? Do I handle these feelings in a healthy way? Or do I lose my cool, yell, drink too much or over eat when I’m stressed? If you have unhealthy reactions to negative feelings, maybe you and your child (or everyone in the family) can learn how to manage these feelings and calm down together. Check for other bad role models. What about the child’s older siblings and peers at school? Has anyone else ever bullied your child, which they have learned from? Is someone else is bullying your child now? We all feel better quicker when we have someone to talk to. Regularly sit down privately with your child to talk about how they are feeling. Ask them about their day; what was fun and what was not so fun? These talks help child to learn emotion words like sad, happy, angry, or scared. Involve the family in setting house rules that explain appropriate behaviour e.g., in our family… 1. We keep our hands to ourselves. 2. We use our quiet inside voice. Set limits on rough and tumble play. Although rough and tumble play is an important part of growing up, if dad only ever plays roughly, boys (or girls) learn that this is normal. Dads (and mum’s) need to limit how much time is spent on rough play and also spend time with them on quiet gentle activities like reading, drawing and puzzles. Boys need to learn that there is more to dads than being strong and proud and that they have a soft gentle and loving side as well. Do you have a children refusing to get dressed or do homework? Is your child a fussy eater, arguing and fighting with brothers or sister or having tantrums? Learn more with the Parents Under Pressure Group Program

Are You Passive-Aggressive? – 5 Questions to Ask Yourself

Nic Marcon — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 07:20:12 +0000

Before we can make any changes to our behaviours, whether we are submissive, aggressive, passive-aggressive behaviour or even violence, we must understand what it is that we have a problem with. Throughout my career as a Psychologist, it has become apparent to me that most people use passive-aggressive behaviour without even realising how damaging it is. Most often when I run my program or speak with people one-on-one they are oblivious to the destruction that passive-aggressive behaviour causes them and to others around them.

So what is passive-aggressive behaviour?

Passive-aggressive behaviour is when you use verbal and non-verbal communication to get your own way, without any consideration to what is happening to the other person. Over the next few pages you will see how passive-aggressive behaviours are used by many people without even realizing how destructive it really is.

Let me give a number of examples about passive-aggressive behaviour.

Finger pointing
Staring
Name calling
Making sarcastic remarks
Putting someone down
Making them feel bad about themselves
Embarrassing them in front of others
Telling them how useless they are
Putting yourself above them
Playing mind games
Telling them they are crazy
Making someone feel scared and worried
Not allowing others to have their own opinion and beliefs
Standing over someone

The above list is not exhaustive and there are many more examples of passive-aggressive behaviour. The sad thing about this is that it not only happens in our schools and at our workplaces, but it happens even more frequently in our homes. Husband and wives use it, children use it against their siblings, parents use it with their children. If some many of us use passive-aggressive behaviour, how can we really change it? How can we who are only one person make a difference?

I believe that it is when we start to see that passive-aggressive behaviours do not serve us or our community well that we will start to make changes in our life. Our children are not learning to be assertive, and neither are we as parents. This causes our whole community to use passive-aggressive behaviours because “everyone is doing it”.

Well, I would like to propose a challenge by asking you 5 questions, which I hope will then start changing the way you see your world. This in turn I hope will then allow you to make changes in your behaviours at home, at work or at school.

Question 1: How well has passive-aggressiveness served you in getting what you want?

You need to make sure that you take into consideration how other people feel about you. Are they afraid to speak openly because you will yell at them? Do you have a loyal and honest group of friends, workers, family members, or do they hide from you?

Question 2: Do you get your needs met without the need to use passive-aggressiveness?

Can you in most situations ask for help or assistance and will you get the help voluntarily? Will people you associate with go out of their way to help you achieve your goals and dreams?

Question 3: Are you aware that other people use passive-aggressiveness with you, and how often can you stop this from happening?

Are you aware on a daily basis when passive-aggressive behaviours are used to possibly intimidate you, get from you what they want, without consideration of your needs? Can you quite quickly point out when someone is passive-aggressive, and do you know how to diffuse that situation?

Question 4: Are you tired of having to argue and fight to have your needs met?

If you answered yes to this question, I think that you have come to the point in your life, where you don’t want to have this disharmony in your life any longer. If you have children you want them to grow up happy and secure, you want to have a good relationship with them and others.

Question 5: Can you see that you use passive-aggressive behaviours in your daily life?

If you have answered yes to any of the above 5 questions then I’m sure you will agree with me that you use passive-aggressive behaviours in your life. Do most important question however is, do you want to change this?

You can do something about this right now, because the Assertive Me Program was designed to assist people like yourself to stop being either submissive, passive-aggressive or even aggressive and become assertive again. Click here now and learn more about how you can make this transition in your life today and be assertive.

Why We Get Angry – Find the Causes and How We Change Them

Nic Marcon — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 07:10:23 +0000

Throughout human history, it has been shown over and over again that humans do not do anything without a reason behind it. When we are trying to invent a better gadget it’s because we want more luxury, more comfort or more pleasure out of the item. If we change something it’s because we are not happy with the way our life is going, because we want to feel happier and more at peace. So it is with anger. You do not use anger for no reason at all. You use it today because you have learned from a very young age that if you get angry and display that anger then most likely others around you will listen and take note.

Quite possibly, you learned how to use your anger from people around you like your parents, your friends, fellow students, family members, and later on work colleagues and maybe partners. Over many years these angry behaviours became engrained and automatic. It is for this reason that you will find that most of the time, by the time you have noticed that you are angry, it’s too late you have said the wrong thing, yelled and screamed, maybe even physically became violent.

Anger in reality is a survival instinct and in a life and death situation it will serve you and I well. When such a dangerous situation occurs, being angry that you might lose your life is a very good thing. What happens is that your emotions such as fear, panic, shock or terror are shut down and anger comes to the forefront. With this physiological reaction it allows for a higher percentage of survival. However, in normal situations, anger will not help you very well as in most cases it just triggers other people to react to you as well.

I just want to make a comment here before I continue:

Anger is nothing more than an emotion. It is not positive or as some people believe negative. It’s just an emotion. It is what we do with that anger that makes it a positive or negative behaviour.

So, if anger is an emotion that we learned to use automatically how can you learn to understand the cause of your anger? Well I have listed a number of very important points that will give you an understanding of the possible causes of anger, and why you continue using it even if it does not help much and how you can change this automatic responses.

First, you need to understand that anger is a masking emotion. What do I mean? Well, if you were to scare me by jumping out in front of me without warning, I would probably get quite angry at you, however before my anger came out I would have been feeling scared. So, to be able to control your anger you firstly need to understand what you are feeling underneath that anger. It could be that they embarrassed you, maybe caused you pain, hurt you emotionally, put you down. The reasons could be endless. But what you need to understand is that it is triggering something quite deep within you, something I like to call a core belief.
Next you need to work on understanding what core belief is being triggered. Over the many years you have been alive, there will have been a belief system that you would have adopted. This has come from your family, friends, colleagues, etc. Some people whom I speak with tell me that they believe that they are useless, some think that they are stupid, others no good, and other hopeless. What is it that you think about? To find out more about your thinking patterns, you need to start keeping an eye on what you say to yourself not so much out loud but more unconscious. When things don’t go well, when you make a mistake at work, when you get into trouble, maybe have a fight with a loved one, start becoming aware of what it is you say to yourself. Over time you will realise that you say things over and over that is negative. Once you realise this you can start changing it.
Start to actively challenge what you say to yourself, so if you say that you are useless, find things that prove that you are not useless. If you say that you are stupid, again find something that discounts your belief system. Over time, you will weaken this core belief and start to replace it with a more positive self-view of yourself. Another way to challenge this is to role play. Imagine that your best friend or partner comes to you and uses the same negative thought you just used on yourself. How would you react and what would you say? I’m quite certain that you would tell them that how they see themselves is not true and you would argue their point. So you can then use that same argument to disprove your belief system.
As you continue to do this on a daily basis, you will begin to recognise quite quickly that someone has just pushed your button; they may be telling you that you are useless or stupid etc. Once you pick it up as it is happening, you now have the power to stop the other person from pushing your button and you are more able to maintain your assertion, because you have spent the time disproving your old core beliefs, and now believe that you are good enough, that you are OK. Therefore you will be more in control of your anger.

I do want to point out that this is not something that will happen overnight. I’m sure that you will have some questions about how to implement this. The Assertive Me Program was developed to help people like you not only understand your anger but to also change it. So click here now and find out more about how to change your life.

5 Reasons to Learn How to Control Your Anger

Nic Marcon — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 09:34:54 +0000

Our society has not changed much when it comes to “survival of the fittest”. People still act as if they have to “eat or be eaten”. The culture that we live in has developed and grown over many centuries, however when it comes to anger, we are still at times acting as our forefathers did many years ago. People still use anger, aggression and passive-aggressive behaviour to get what they want, without giving the other person any thought.

Recently, I had a client who asked me “Why should I stop using anger as it is the only thing that works for me, because no one appears to care about my feelings or my needs?”

This client made a fair comment, as it would appear that in our society today, some people care more about what they can get then what they can give. Unfortunately we can’t change other people, and even though we try, other people still have the choice if they will listen to you or I about anger management. So if you can’t change other people, why should you be the ones who have to make changes in our life I hear you ask? Well, unless you do something about changing your reaction to other people’s behaviours nothing in your lives will change.

The top 5 reasons why you should learn to control your anger and become assertive:

1. You will be loved, respected and admired for your strength

Because you are known for being fair and honest, people will be more likely to come to you to discuss things rather than fighting with you about getting what they want. They will know that you won’t just care about you but also about them. If you are in business, your employees will be more likely to talk to you about problems that need fixing rather than letting you find out the hard way. They will also be more willing to help out when it is really needed. This applies to your friends and family as well.

2. Other people’s needs and wants will be met as will your’s

Because you are making sure that other people have their needs met, you are in-turn also ensuring that your needs are met as well. You see, being assertive and not angry does not mean that you will be walked over, because as an assertive person you will make sure that your needs are met as well. So it will be a win-win situation.

3. You will be more at peace, happier and have less stress in your life

Arguing and fighting causes you to be surrounded by negativity and pessimism. This breeds anger, hatred and bitterness which then will be past on to those around you. You can’t have peace in your life if you constantly argue and fight with people.

4. You will have more fulfilling relationships

Have you ever noticed that positive people seem to attract positive people and negative people attract more negative people? This is because if you are negative you won’t have someone stay around you for a long time if all you do is argue, fight, be negative etc. It just does not work. So by learning to control your anger you will also change your relationships, because not only will you attract more positive people into your life over time, but those that are negative won’t be able to stand being around you. You may lose a few of those negative people in your life, but you will also gain some lifelong friends that you can trust.

5. Your emotional, mental and physical health will be better

Research has shown that negativity, fighting, arguing, excessive anger, bitterness etc causes health to deteriorate. Have you ever noticed that when you are over stressed, things are not going well at work or at home, when there is disharmony in your life, you fall sick more often, you are more tired and worn out? Well, that is because your immune system has taken a beating and is no longer able to protect you well. So making sure that you have good anger management will also assist you in staying healthy.

Now the above 5 points are really just the beginning, and you can learn how to control your anger better by educating yourself. Our program “Assertive Me” will teach you all you need to learn to become more assertive, so find out more about our Anger Management Program by clicking here now.

How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Nic Marcon — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 11:47:55 +0000

Before you can deal with someone who is passive aggressive, you first need to understand what it is. Many people that I have taught to be assertive, have not realised how many times people have been passive-aggressive towards them. It happens everyday, in the workplace, at home, in shops, on holiday, at school and even with our friends and family members, and unfortunately most people who use it do not realise that are using it.

So what is passive-aggressive behaviour?

“Passive-aggressive behaviour is when one uses verbal and non-verbal communication to get their own way, without any consideration to what is happening to the other person”

Passive-aggressive behaviours can be used to isolate, emotionally abuse, verbal and non-verbal abuse, and intimidate to name a few. Here are some examples:

Making another person feel bad if they want to go out

Not trusting them around others

Stopping another person from working

Stopping them to have their own money

Making someone feel scared and worried

Not allowing others to have their own opinion and beliefs

Standing over someone

Pointing and shouting at them

Forcing them to do what you want them to do

Complaining

Sarcasm

Not cooperating with instructions

Putting someone down

Making them feel bad about themselves

Embarrassing them in front of others

Name calling

Telling them how useless they are

Yelling and screaming

So how do you stop people from being passive-aggressive?

First you must begin to believe that you have the right to be assertive. If you don’t know the Bill of Assertive rights, I have written about this in another article. Only when you have started to believe that you have the right to have your needs met, you can say no, are allowed to make mistakes etc will you start to stop passive-aggressive behaviour.
Next, I would encourage you to use the examples that I mentioned above to start noticing how others around you use passive-aggressive behaviours. You need to become more alert how people speak to you and others, try and identify how and when they use passive-aggressive behaviours.
Also, look at how you use passive-aggressive behaviours with loved ones, friends, work mates etc. This will give you the understanding how easily you may be using passive-aggressive behaviours. That will allow you to stop being passive-aggressive, and start focusing you on being more assertive instead.
Once you have worked out how certain people use particular passive-aggressive behaviours, begin to role-play in your mind how you will address this with that person.
A very effective way is to use the “I feel” formula: I feel….(emotion you feel) when (the behaviour they use) because…(the consequence to you). Now you need to avoid using the word you when you speak about their behaviour. Let me give you an example: I feel distressed when I’m yelled at because it makes me feel quite scared. Now I know that when you first use this it may sound robotic, but with practice you can learn to use it effectively, and people will not feel like you are attacking them, but are pointing out the behaviour that is a problem

Assertiveness takes time to learn because you need to learn more about yourself, your weaknesses, your strengths, how you are affected by passive-aggressive behaviours. Once you have that understanding only practice will help you become assertive.

Battling Addiction – Finding the Help You Need

Nic Marcon — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 02:48:34 +0000

When it comes to addictions, there are thousands of programs and treatment centres that provide a quality service that can help people overcome their addictions. Having worked in this area for many years I thought that I would write down a number of very important factors to consider, because I believe that choosing the best service provider, whether it is an outpatient treatment program, a live-in rehabilitation centre or a course you do from home can be what makes or breaks the recovery. You see, I believe that choosing the best suited treatment program and facility is based on your own beliefs, your needs and requirements, expertise of the treatment service, the focus of treatment and your personal likes and dislikes. I have seen many people go through a treatment service and come out worse than before they started rehabilitation. Why? Because they did not take the time to look at what they needed and what the service provided. Here are some simple but important aspects on how to find the right treatment service for you:

Live-in rehabilitation Centre:

This will suit you if you need to be away from your familiar surroundings for some time to recover
Need medical assistance with withdrawals •Your addiction is out of control
You can cope living in a communal environment
Make sure you find out the core aspects of the program they teach. Does it resonate with your belief systems?
Ask them what they believe an addiction is and how does their program help you change that?
How long is the program and can you cope with being away from your family and friends for that long?
How much will it cost per week?
Is it religious? Do you have to conform to their teachings of faith?
Can you have visitors, make phone calls, leave the facility to see your family?
Who wrote the program? Is it a person who was an addict or a professional?
Get them to explain how they will help you overcome your addiction
Is there support once you have completed the program?
With this option, you won’t be able to work for some time and you need to know that your family would be ok financially until you return.

Outpatient treatment program:

You are employed, have a good support network, cope with withdrawals ok
Make sure that the program explains how you will overcome your addiction
Ensure that the program is part of a service that also provides counselling, group classes and workshops to assist those with addictions. Why? That way you know that you buy a program that comes from a professional service, not just from someone wanting to make money from you.
Can you get ongoing support while working on your recovery through email, phone or physical visits with a counsellor/psychologist?
Find out who wrote the program and find out their qualifications and experience •Does the principles they teach reflect your own belief systems?
Is there a religious component? If so, is that mirroring your own faith?
This option is for someone who has been able to work, and will continue doing so after they start the program.

Internet Program:

You are focused and able to motivate yourself
Find studying by yourself beneficial
Check that there is support via email, phone or face-to-face counselling
Make sure that the person who wrote the program is someone with many years experience in the field of addictions
That they provide more than just the online program, again because you know that you buy a program that comes from a professional service, not just from someone wanting to make money from you.

I would say that most importantly, the program should be written by someone who understands addiction, and has worked in that area for many years. Anyone can write a program, but not anyone can write an addiction program that focuses on the many aspects that are required for recovery to be affective. Also, for a program to be effective there should have been some research conducted on the effectiveness of what is taught.

Finding Ways to Keep Your Mind Off of Drugs

Nic Marcon — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 05:40:35 +0000

One of the most difficult things that people with addictions struggle with is to keep their minds off drugs. The longer a person has used drugs or alcohol to cope with life, use it as a coping mechanism, the harder they will find to stop using. Why? Because they are programed in some way to automatically think about alcohol or drugs to make themselves feel better.

Let me ask you a question:

If I said to you to try as hard as you can to not think about a pink Elephant with a purple tail, what is the first thing that comes up in your mind? You see, our mind is made to focus on what stands out and takes our attention. As soon as I mentioned the Elephant, you would have pictured this in your mind, and the thought of this weird Elephant will stick in your mind for some time. So it is with an addiction. What you focus on is what you will get. Have you ever experienced watching TV and then an advertisment comes on about some food or drink, and then you get the taste for it and want it. The more you think about it the more you want it. It is no different with an addiction. The more you have that in your mind the more you will want it.

A successful outpatient addiction program will work because it focuses on helping people get what they want not what they don’t want. Most people keep thinking about what they they don’t want when they are giving up their drug of choice. They tell themselves that they must say no, that they have to be strong and stop the cravings. But what ends up happening is that they desire it more and more until they lapse or worse relapse. One of the things that an outpatient addiction program’s aim should be, is to help people learn new ways to focus on what they want in their life. So, as people get their life back they start to desire to get their family back, get a job or promotion, learn stress and anger management techniques, be able to cope with emotional distress, learn good communication skills, have a great support network and most of all, understand that whatever they focus on is what they get, whether positive or negative.

Here are some very important principles that anyone who wants to stop an addiction from controlling then can do to maximise their success:

use the two “D’s” principle – delay and distract: If you are craving then tell yourself that you will not use for 10 mins (delay) then you find something to do that you know will help you stop thinking about your cravings (distract).
Call someone who knows you and has already offered to help you in these circumstances
Get out of the house and go for a walk (but don’t get into trouble by walking into a risky situation)
Listen to music or play music •Read through your goals and plans for the future, or write them if you don’t have them already
Experience mindfulness, by allowing yourself to feel
Do relaxation techniques
Meditate
Do something fun, watch comedy, have a laugh

In a simple way, the way to maximise your success in stopping an addiction for good is to start living your life the way you want to and have desired to, not avoid using drugs or drinking alcohol. It is also vital that you chose an outpatient addiction program that is suited to your needs.

Addictions: An incurable disease or simply a manifestation of pain?

Nic Marcon — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 22:44:40 +0000

In our society, those who have suffered with an addiction are often seen as weak, out of control or unwilling to change their life. They are seen as the “lower” class of citizen, and often shunned from family and friends. Having worked with thousands of addicted people, both at a maximum security prison, in a live-in drug rehabilitation centre, and in the three years at my own Centre, where I run an outpatient drug rehab program called “Living Free: from your addiction”, I have seen the distructions that addiction brings to the addicted person and their family and friends. The family or friends try and save the person from total destruction through many different avenues. However they get to the point where nothing works and they have enough of being lied to, stolen from, physically, verbally and emotionally abused. At that point, the addicted person finally sees everyone in their life walk away.

If you have been there with someone you love or have been/are there yourself, that is when a person normally falls into the abyss. In essence they self-destruct.

As a person who has never struggled with drug or alcohol addictions, you may ask why would someone want to destroy themselves with drugs? Why would they use something that really does not work? Now, my article questions if addiction is a disease or a manifestation of pain. I’m not here to argue what science may have found regarding genes for addictive behaviour, because no matter what proof their may appear, I see first hand that those with addictive behaviours are really just trying to cope with the problems they have. You see, “addiction is nothing more than a physical manifestation of internal termoil”. Over the many years I have worked with those that are afflicted by addictions, in every case people with addiction issues had some major issues in their life that caused them to stop wanting to feel. They could not cope with the emotions that the situation (whether past of present) was making them feel and so looked for a way out. If a person has stopped feeling, it will cause them to emotionally shut down over a period of years. So over time, when they are feeling down and out, they found something that made them feel better; their substance or maybe even a behaviour.

So if a person wants to stop having the addiction control their life they have to learn to become emotionally intelligent, meaning that they have to learn how to feel and be ok with feeling, even if they hurt like hell. Being comfortable with feeling negative and not resort to using drugs, alcohol or other addictive behaviours is totally achievable and I have seen people from all walks of life take control over their life and behaviours. Believing that it is genetics or some other organic reason for an addiction, makes it sound like it is incurable, that we are stuck with it for life. However, I don’t believe it because I have seen the evidence that people can change and achieve their dreams.

If this is currently you don’t let another day go by, do something about it. Have a look at our program, it has helped hundreds of people already stop their addiction from running their life.

Simple Attraction – Getting What You Want

Nic Marcon — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 23:29:38 +0000

A little while ago I wrote a short saying on Twitter which went like this:

“What you see is what you get, so make sure that what you see is what you actually want”

What I am referring to is the idea that most people focus on negative things when it comes to their life. They focus on not having enough money to pay the bills, they focus on the day getting worse, they expect for things to go wrong, they constantly see the glass half empty, expect that they will have an argument at home with their partner, believe that they will not get that promotion for various reasons, the list is endless.

What I would encourage you to do for just a few moments is to have a think about your life and where you are right now. Think about your financial situation, your physical and emotional health, your relationship, your career, and your social life. Where are you right now? Do you have that area in your life just like you have always dreamed it to be or is it a nightmare or just plain bad?

I would suggest that if you are honest and open to yourself you will find that if you have financial problems, its because that is what you see most of the time. You look at your poor finances, you will focus on your unpaid bills, on what you can’t afford, what you are missing, what others have that you don’t have. You may say that you try and focus on solutions, on “seeing” the positive rather than the negative, however, I would suggest that the way you really see things is unconsciously. The subtle negative words and comments that you will say in your head, the put downs about what you can’t achieve…

Try this: For one day, just focus on what you say to yourself in your head when things happen around you whether at home or at work. Try and capture what you are saying. Are those words or sentences positive or negative? Are they putting you down or are they uplifting? Do you feel better or worse after what you say. Again, I would suggest that if you have many negative situations in your life, it may be because of what you say to yourself unconsciously. This is what I would call your core beliefs about who you are and what you are. Your core belief are how you see yourself on an unconscious level and you have had this in your life for many, many years. So if you are constantly telling yourself negative things about yourself, how could you achieve the things you are hoping to achieve. You are behind the eight ball (so to speak) before you even start.

So how do you start to change this negative self-talk and how do you begin to see what you actually want (the positive stuff)? How do you begin to live your life the way you have always dreamed it to be and getting what you want? Well, I’ll give you a number of techniques that I teach my clients that have helped them change the course of their life from negative to positive.

1. Begin to listen to what you say to yourself in your head (unconsciously)

2. Write these words or sentences down

3. Start to look for a general theme that constantly comes up

After a little while you may realise that you say to yourself “I am such an idiot” or “I just can’t ever do anything right”. This will give you an idea what actually happens unconsciously.

4. Can you prove that what you say is actually true (like “I am such an idiot”? Now the best way to start doing this is to put your child into your position. For example: if your child did what you had done, would you call your child an idiot? Why not? Well, I would suggest that if your child is not an idiot, then how can you tell yourself this? I would suggest that you are judging yourself wrongly.

5. So, over the coming weeks you need to begin to start to challenge what you say to yourself, because unless you change the way you believe in yourself, you will never change your life. Again let me explain:

Do you think that when Roger Federer is playing in a match, he tells himself things like “you know you are a bad tennis player, you will fail you know, who do you think you are trying to win, you are a fool…..” I hear you scream NO, of course not! Well, we all know that he would be focusing on where the ball needs to go, focus on where to stand… so he will be focusing on what he wants not what he does not want. Do you begin to understand how “what you see is what you get” is actually true?

There are many other techniques that you can implement, and I will continue to write about these over the course of the next few articles, but the most important change needs to happen between your ears. You need to start believing and talking to yourself in a positive manner, otherwise nothing will change. You will continue to receive exactly what you see.

Nic Marcon is the Owner, Director and Principle Psychologist of Emotional Balance, a counselling Centre in Logan City, Brisbane, Australia. Nic has a passion to help others achieve their goals and dreams and believes that with some guidance, anyone can achieve their personal dreams. Nic has helped people with addiction problems, abuse and trauma, those with self-harm and suicide ideation, overcome their anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms. Nic has developed a range of group programs and e-courses to further assist people in the areas of stress and anger management, teaching people assertiveness skills and he also runs a weekly addiction program.

Obesity is an Addiction Issue but you can achieve healthy eating

Nic Marcon — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 06:41:42 +0000

For those of you who are parents, do you remember when your precious little one came into this world? I’m sure you do, the sleepless nights, the crying, the nappy changes…who could forget that?

What you may also remember that one of the most important things your child needed was food, drink and loving tender care. From the first day of ALL our lives, our need for food is one of survival first and foremost. Also, as we were nurtured (hopefully) by our mother, we received vital physical and emotional care through the closeness we experienced with our mother. As we grow older, food becomes a focal point of all that we do.

Could you imagine having a get-together without food? Can you have a friend visit without bringing out some type of food or junk food? Maybe you can remember coming home after school and smelling mum or Dad cooking your favorite meal, and the joy that it would bring you. On special occasions, you would be all excited about the friends or family that would come to visit, and it all included food, glorious food. Maybe however, you came home after falling off your bike and after mum or dad bandaged up your wound, you were given something “nice” to eat, so that you would feel better.

So, as we grow up, food is obviously a major part of our life, both physically and emotionally and it not only helps us stay alive, but it also makes us feel good when we eat something that taste good. All cultures use food as a way to make people feel welcomed, loved and cared for.

The real problem however is that the foods that taste the best are normally full of sugar and fat, because according to nutritionists, the body craves these foods because they give us energy and it is stored as fat. So the dilemma is that our body wants all the foods that we really should not be having a lot of, but it’s those foods that make us feel that little bit better.

That is the main reason why “diets” do not really work, because all they do is focus on the physical aspect of weight and being healthy not the emotional side. This is why most people after losing many kilos end up putting it back on, because they never stopped the cause of their emotional eating.

So if we have such an urge to fill our stomachs with foods that are full of sugar and fat, and they make us feel better, how to we learn to maintain a healthy weight and eat healthily?

It is vitally important that you take time out and reduces your stress, otherwise you will start increasing your stress levels and that will increase your chances of emotional eating. Make sure that you take time out to regenerate your own energy levels, by doing things that you enjoy doing:
1. Walking your dog
2. Have a long hot bath
3. Read your favourite book
4. Listening to your favourite music
Understand what your body wants the most when you are emotionally upset, by noticing the foods you crave the most, by keeping a list of foods you crave for a week. This will give you an indication what you are (in a sense addicted to) the most.
Always have a large glass of water before you eat as it will make your stomach feel fuller with less food.
Have plenty of water during the day, because your body at times will think that it is hungry when in actual fact it is dehydrated.
Limit your alcohol intake, as alcohol may make you eat more as you will not be as aware how full you are
Allow yourself some nice food treats every so often, so that you don’t feel like you are missing out on special foods
When you eat, allow yourself the time to eat slowly so that you can really savour the foods you are eating.

Dealing with emotional eating is not an easy thing to do. Most of us struggle with stress, anxiety, depression etc and when you can make yourself feel better by eating something “nice” it makes the everything seem just a little better at that moment in time.

Unfortunately, it does not really help as emotional eating it is only instant gratification, it does not last and it will not make things better, but in actual fact it makes things worse.

I believe however, that you can stop emotional eating by doing two things in your life. Firstly, you need to realise that your stress levels are one of the biggest factors in you over-eating and not being able to maintain a healthy weight. To know more about how to reduce your stress levels follow this link. The second thing is that over eating is an addiction just like any other substance or behaviour like alcohol, gambling and the likes. Again, you can stop this addiction from controlling your life by following this link.